Just a simple one for you.

For all the support, encouragements and love you had given me.

Happy New Year. =]

Is your rose, in your hands?

Desktop version here.

Or you’re still trying to catch it?

Desktop version here.

And here.

ps: Yes, i know i got ugly hands.
pps: You guys want the rose in the hands, or falling into the hands?

Dua Pai Lang
?Put your arms around me, Texas

Now look at that needle!

Seems like it is the season for blood donating. And this is my 12th time. =]

Heard if you collect 100 stamps from them, you can recieve a complimentary stay of 2 days at the B2 ward. FREE leh!! B2 somemore loh, but just the ward lar.

I’m just kidding.

Siao ah! 100 stamps = 25 years loh.

And i’m at my third only.

And i don’t care how much you, the hospitals charged for each packet of FREE blood we VOLUNTARILY give.

Just save the lives it was meant for, it’s justified.

Felt good today, good karma i guessed. =]

Dua Pai Lang

I hold her hand, guiding her along. This nameless beach is all ours for tonight, yes, tonight. The warm gold of the setting sun casts long shadows on the pristine white sands. We too, dressed to the colours of this place; White long-sleeved shirt – unbuttoned and a pair of comfy pants and she, a flowing simple white dress, with a single blue flower snugged in her hair.

I looked into her eyes, even with the little makeup, she looks forever to me. I passed her her flowers, yes, we are going to be.

We walked towards the white canopy, everybody turned and applaud. Everyone was there, i took her hand and lead her up to the altar….In the setting golden sun, blue seas and white sands, we said our ‘I Do’s.

The band started a slow jazz number and we took to the central attraction. Holding each other in our arms, we opened the dance floor with the first dance, barefooted of course.

Then the real party starts. No chairs, no shoes, no formalities. The drinks go on freely, the food is an exotic mix, catered even to the most picky ones. The band plays bossa and jazz for a good measure. Fire torches lights up as the stars comes out. We chatted, we laughed, we mingled around. She will be away at some point, but never out of each other’s sight. As though a special connection shared only by us, our eyes met everytime we looked for each other. That special moment of connection, eye to eye, heart to heart; We knew we have each other for life.

The gentle breeze tingles with the taste of salt. At some point or other, we would be looking out to the deep black sea, looking at the Milky Way and the stars reflecting on the calm sea. We would tell ourselves, it’s almost like a dream.

And it is lar~ I’m dreaming that is. My ‘ideal’ marriage way. Else i’ll just hold it simple with a few friends and relatives, on a clifftop, overlooking some blue sea.

Haha.

Attending my friend’s wedding is a first. Kind of a stark reminder to my current status and my impending doom. I got to know Brother M through work, and kind of hit off from there. Kind of him to invite me to his wedding.

We ate, we drank…alot. In his slurred speech, he asked: “Promise me something..”

“Yea, what’s it?” I asked.

“Promise me something…”

“Okay okay, spill it..”

“I want YOU to be friends with me for life…For life hor! Till we die leh! It will be hard, not much people can do it…can you do it?”

“Yea, i can do it.”

“No, i want you to say it.. say u can be friends with me for life.”

At this instance, even though he’s drunk, i know that’s what he wanted to.

I told him, “Yes, i will. I WILL be your friend for life.”

Smiles galore, we downed our glasses of wine and i bade him good bye.

Good years to come, brother. Good years to come.

Guess it’s less pubbing with him now, else his wife will come running after me, with a chopper no less.

Congrats to Brother M and his wife, W.

May the kindness of your hospitality extends well beyond and reap in good fortunes and health.

Kanasai! Now i really feel like marrying! LoL!

Dua Pai Lang
?Mandolin Concerto in C Major, Antonio Vivaldi

I just got back from my friend’s wedding (tipsy, not drunk again). But that’s for another post, a happy one.

This one is angst-ridden one, so expect some strong language and it’s gonna be quite long-winded. It’s not targetted to anyone but YOU may want to skip this post, YOU know who YOU are. If not, read on and treat it i’m shouting at a concave wall, nonsensically.

I refer to my ‘empty post’.

I don’t know what or how; Am i relying too much on ‘Love’? Giving so much thought and heartaches to ‘Interpersonal Relationships’?

I have people coming and telling me, “Hey, you’re getting too involved and emotional. Take it easy, man!”

I say fuck you. You think i want that? I could be as fucked up as i could be, caring no less than my personal gains and benefits, basically being a selfish bastard i can be. But i have seen the world too much times over to resent to that kind of fate. I love as deeply as i could, i feel sentimental as when as i like it, i cry at touching scenes and i feel crazy enough to do anything, just to bring a smile to your face. Does that mean i could be easily be snooped down and cast away as a weakling?

To tell you the truth, i would really like to hate those that did me wrong, bear grudges and all, take revenge. But that is so wrong in the context of my upbringing. Why hate, when you can forgive and forget? Why bear grudges when all is need is just some time-out and talk. Why take revenge, when you only feel worse off than when you started?

Sometimes, i really wished i’m equipped with such intense emotions. At least, i would had get over things more easily than living in the midst of all these.

Seeing her contented with what she has now, i don’t know to feel jealous because of how she seems so oblivious to what had happened, where i couldn’t. I don’t know whether to feel angry because she seems to not display any remorse or so. I don’t know whether to feel happy, for she has found what she wanted. I’m confused.

Seriously, i’m fast losing faith in this ‘Love’ thing. I used to hold it with high regard and try to inflict those around in different forms. But all i get is this fucking sensation of being looked upon as a fool. Who the hell will give a damn on how you treat this or that person good? The world’s now fucking me for myself, in more ways than other, Me above all.

Love, i ceased to understand it fully. The more i tried to open its petals to see what’s inside, the more it eludes me with all those that seem to be worthless. “Why jolly, that’s what love is all about, my man!” I say go suck your monkey-ass-smelling thumb.

Friends told me, “You are one strong man, Dua Pai Lang. Into depression and out afresh and new within 3 months. Good man! Proud of ya!”

I did not. Or shall i say, not fully recovered.

I still feel the bouts of helplessness and depression. I still hold goddamn hopes of us coming back together, vivid images of the future and past and the likes.

I try to engage myself in all sorts of social activites to forget, but i can’t.

I drink more often now, out of boredom and desperation. I suffer from insomia, staring at my PC monitor with no definite goal or activites till wee hours. I smoke a little more now, though i tried my best to cut down to manageable levels. I always return home, high and tipsy, always doing my puking promptly somewhere outside. In this three months, i had not achieved anything that i am proud of nor did i do anything constructive to fill up my extra spare time that had smacked right onto my face. Everyday is routined to the point of perfect sync with my void of mind. I don’t feel anything particularly exciting or have anything to look forward to. I tried to set little trips along the way, to have a gauge of time. Otherwise, there’s no difference from any other day.

I am in a fucked up state, thanks to a relationship that i had hold so dearly to my life and still so. I need to let go, i need to forget, i need to live on. Having an exceptionally good memory and keen observation for the smallest details doesnt help much. Everything i see, i see some farback memories of us. I removed everything that i had with that relationship to somewhere that’s out of my sight, that helps a little. But reality kicks in when actions of mine feels vaguely similiar to what i had done before.

Tell me, how do i accept all these? By trying to love again? Can i? Will i? Truth to the words, i’m just subsituting my empty void with another. A rebounce relationship as they call it. Will it work? Can it work? I’m skeptical.

People told me, “You gonna live your life better! Show her that you are living better off without her!”

What’s the point, you tell me?

What’s there to prove? That the relationship we had, is just a senseless accident that should not happen? The relationship did happened, and it happened with goddamned good reason – beacause i love her. So are you telling me to live my life better, JUST to show her that it was pure blindsight and misfortune that i love her? Does that prove what love i have for her? Not a fucking bit! In this instance, i’m still confused about this. I know i need to live on and learn from the experience, but the problem is, i still love her.

Okay, maybe i don’t love her anymore. Maybe I still believe and still hang on to the relationship we had.

I questioned myself numerous times, What are the chances of us getting back together? I know it’s practically nil, but i still believe in the relationship we had could stand to the test.

Am i so naive?

Thinking back, i seriously should had her to kill every fucking feeling i have for her. Then i’ll just give up on the love for her. Two hard slaps isn’t so hard, right? For added effect, make it that i am in the wrong. That should do the trick.

I say, thanks for reading so far. I just need to pour everything out now. This emotional burden/baggage, is weighing too much on my life. Need to get it off my chest and leave everything to 2005, start 2006 anew.

Maybe i should start making everyone less important in my life, and start making myself important in my life.

Really sorry for the strong language used, it’s not everyday i’m so crude. Well, i used to be, but things change, right? Don’t get offended.
—————————————————————
Well, you called me up this morning
Told me ’bout the new love that you found
Said, “I’m happy for you. I’m really happy for you.”
Found someone else, I guess I won’t be coming ’round
I guess it’s over, baby
It’s really over, baby,
And from what you’re saying
I know you’ve gotten over me
It’ll never be the way it used to be
So if it’s gotta be this way
Don’t worry, baby, I can take the news okay

But if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the street some day, and I don’t know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don’t look at me, I don’t want you to see me this way.

When we both agreed as lovers
We were better off as friends
That’s how it had to be
Yeah, that’s how it had to be
I tell you I’m fine, but sometimes I just pretend
Wish you were holding me, wish you were still holding me,
I just never thought
That I would be replaced so soon
I wasn’t prepared to hear those words from you
I know I wanted to be free
Yeah, baby this is how we wanted it to be

But if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
And if we meet on the street some day, and I don’t know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don’t look at me, I don’t want you to see me this way.

If you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
And if we meet on the street some day, and I don’t know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don’t look at me, I don’t want you to see me this way.

If you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don’t look at me, I don’t want you to see me.

Well, you called me up this morning
Told me ’bout the new love that you found
I said, “I’m happy for you. I’m really happy for you.”

Dua Pai Lang
?Look Away, Chicago

In a relationship, how often have you discovered that your partner has gone too far or couldn’t catch up with yours?

Meaning, we’ve outgrown the other.

No less we would be satisfied with fast food or beer; Bring in the wine and glorious food.

No less we would be satisfied with the simple pleasures of life; We need more than that – money, power and status.

I guessed, that’s all couples, whether married or not, has to go through, no?

Should you have asked me, i think there are alot of attributes contributing to this problem. Maturity is one, but that’s debatable. Exposures in life, past experiences etcetera etcetera, are the few of the numerous that we could consider and think about.

So, what could be done? Well, i don’t know about that, but a good way to start off could be prehaps talking things out and prioritising the key locus of the relationship itself. If two individuals couldn’t discover what they want for themselves and for the couple, they would had end up losing the purpose of being in love.

Being in love means a lot to everyone, and the sole meaning of it differs from each other. I reckon you guys should know what love means to me by now, and i shall not bore you with it again. My gist is, being in love is because of yourself and the both. Having someone who adored you and loved you, to grow old with you, is wonderful. Having him or her, to learn and being in sync with your goals and common aspirations is nevertheless, something to die for.

I told someone before, i would love like the seasons of the year…starting from early winter, when the two just met but be occupied by each’s commitments and goals, but cuddling together often enough to enjoy the warmth of each other. So they learn to understand each other and respect each other’s lifestyle. Little by little, the two slowly let each other seep into their life, like the silent coming of spring, they start to enjoy their lives as they grow together as individuals and as a couple, Love blossoms. Summer, well….that’s things get heated up, eh? And autumn, is where we sit back and enjoy life with each other, savouring the love that has grown over the relationship, and the kids will run around and start kicking the house dog/cat/hog.

Somehow, i think i could not give a timeline for this kind of relationship. I think, as the couple progresses…love will take it’s course, hm?

Hmm…blabbling non-stop and don’t know what i’m saying. Hahaha! Must be the magic mushrooms on the bread i ate!

Dua Pai Lang
?What about us, Texas

Think i ate some mouldy bread this morning….don’t feel very good now.. >_

Picked this up somewhere in the blogosphere..

-=Why is she with him?=-

Why is she with him?
Why isn’t she with me?
I see the way she looks at him-
How I wish she’d take a glimpse at me.

He doesn’t love her the way I would;
No one can love her the way I could.
To be with her would be a dream come true,
but she’s in love with him… there’s nothin’ I can do.

He doesn’t deserve her;
Their love isn’t meant to be.
Someday she’ll realize… she’s in love with me.

We’ll walk along the water
And sit upon the moonlit beach;
Our love will last forever…
Just you wait and see!

Sounds like the works of a stalker, isnt it?

Dua Pai Lang

“So where are we going today?” Iki asked as she adjusts her uniform, “I’ve not seen you for close to a week, where have you gone?”

“Why? You missed me?” Calea quizzed, as though luring out an answer he hoped he could hear.

“No, I thought you got hit by a car or something.”

“Oh, thank you a lot. I didn’t.”

“So where are we going today? Today better be good, no one entertained me for the whole of last week when you went missing!”

“Don’t worry, you mind walking with me? I’ll like to bring you to a place. A nice, quiet place.”

They took a bus, and alighted at Labrador Park.

“You sure you don’t mind walking? It’s quite a distance from here, you know?

“No, it’s okay. We can chat along the way, couldn’t we?”

Only a week of absence, she felt that he has changed a little bit more. He is more distanced, if she could say. He seems not quite like himself. Ever since she gave him her number, he called only thrice and that’s it. Each call lasting shorter than the previous.

“Iki, can I asked you something?”

“Hm?” She shifts her attention to him.

“Why do you bother coming out with someone like me? I mean, I don’t think that it is very normal for a Japanese girl to go out with a local in your school isn’t it?”

Iki just keeps her gaze on the pathway, concentrating on keeping pace with his big, wide steps.

“And really, don’t you have any other friends in school?”

She stopped.

“Yes, I DO have friends in school, but that’s it. You’re the only guy I know of, outside school.”

“Really, but you haven’t answered my question yet; Why bother about me?” Calea insisted, as they continue walking. “I guessed I’m not the only guy that had tried making friends with you, isn’t it? I mean-”

“Oh my… What a place!” she gasped.

With the setting sun, Labrador Park bathed in its golden rays, setting everything on a lush warm fire. The evening greets with joggers huffing and puffing, old couples taking their own time enjoying each other’s company and the occasional inline skater, whizzing through the little crowd that it has. The gentle breeze smoothes out the trees, caressing and playing as though it was meant to be. It is almost a forgotten place, till somebody got reminded how beautiful the sunset was, back then.

“How do you got to know such a place? You never mentioned to me before!”

“It’s just a place to watch sunsets from, to me. You’re the first person I’ve brought here with me.” Calea replied.

“And the first in your sanctuary.” She corrected him with a glint in her eyes.

“A lot of firsts you have got from me, eh?”

“More to come, I hope?”

She leans on the Colonial-like concrete balustrade, taking everything in, the breeze, the waves and the gentle warmth of the setting sun. He looks from his seat, lighting up on his Marlboros. He has a lot to ask and need a lot of answers for his confused heart.

“So?”

“So what?”

“As I was asking, why me? The last few times we went out together, the moment I leave you for a second, guys would be hitting on you like bees to honey. I’m not that handsome nor anything that would had interest a girl, let alone yo…”

“You know,” she interrupted. “You think too much.”

“I do?”

“Yea, you always do. It’s perfectly okay to be yourself you know, being as queer or strange like you are. I don’t mind, why should you? Let’s just enjoy what we have now, couldn’t we?”

“But why me?”

“Gosh! You just don’t give up, don’t you?”

“Not until I get the answers I need.”

“Okay, because you’re friendly, okay?”

“Friendly only?”

“Okay, I like your eyes, the sadness in your eyes. How about that?”

Calea pondered.

“I guessed that pretty well answer your question, didn’t I?”

“Well, okay. Sort of.”

A sudden gush of wind suddenly whips up. The ash from the Marlboro flew and so has Iki’s short skirt. A flush of pink appeared, Calea quickly looked away.

“You saw it! Now you must marry me!” Iki joked.

“Did not! I was looking at something else!”

“You did! Sukebe!”

“Dare ga! Honto ni, arunai yo!” Calea retorted.

“Well, well, someone’s been learning Japanese, I see?”

“Got to learn something to defend myself, right?”

The last rays disappeared over the horizon; the stars peeked out from the deep blue skies.

“Hey, what is your star sign?” Calea asked.

“Sagittarius.”

“Then it is your lucky day today. See that? The few stars over there? Do you see a teapot? That’s part of Sagittarius…” Calea pointed towards the constellation, tracing out the shape of a teapot.

“Nice, tell me more. What is that star over there?”

The night sky lights up with the millions stars, looking down upon two teenaged hearts, eventually to be broken.

–To Be Continued.–

Dua Pai Lang

My colleague, Sai (don’t laugh, you!) got into an accident recently on Christmas. Blood and tears were spilled, needed a few stitches and his ego was bruised. Got 7 days MC though, leaving ONLY ME in the office, holding the fort.

Well, as such, i will like to dedicate a song to him, taken from naeboo’s blog:

Owl I Wang Four Chlistmast Ish Mai Two Flont Teeth

Ehverlibody stop
Ang stale egg mee
Diss two teeth arh
Gong ass yew can see
I don’t knoe just who
Two blame for this cat-ASS-toffee!
Butt mai one wisk on Chlistmast Eve
Ish ass plaing ass eet can bee!

Owl I wang four ChlistmasIsh mai two flont teeth
Mai two flont teeth
Sea mai two flont teeth!
Gee, if I could onglee
Haf mai two flont teeth!
Ten I could weesh you a “Mêlée Chlistmast!”
It seam soh long sink I could say, “Sister Susie seating on arh theese-tle!”

Ghost oh gee, howl happy ai bee
If I could onglee whistle (thhhh)
Owl I wang four ChlistmastIs mai two front teeth
Mai two front teeth
Sea mai two flont teeth!
Gee, if I could onlyHave mai two flont teeth,Ten I could wisk yew a “Mêlée Chlistmast!”

Muahahaha! See you soon, Sai (Now stop laughing!!)

Dua Pai Lang

i’ve been lying to myself so long.

I’ve told myself forget about you.

I’ve told myself you are no longer part of mine.

I’ve said, i’m too hurt by you to be back with you again, though there is no possibility in that.

I’ve promised myself not to cry anymore.

Why?

Why that i’ve made myself involved in so much activities, being a social butterfly and all, i just cant stop being reminded of you?

“That’s the place we went to fly kite..”

“There’s where we used to eat..”

“That’s your favourite cheesecake..”

“There’s where we went for Valentine’s..”

“And that’s where we quarrelled..”

These things just kept on popping up in my head.

Why?

I’ve tried over and over again, locking you out of my memories.

Why is that the slightest sight, sound and smell, just evokes memories of us???

I lied to myself, over and over and over again, i don’t love you anymore..

Why is this feeling of longing for you still embedded deep inside me?

Why?

I’ve tried trying to love again, but it is goddamned so hard.. It just feels empty trying so hard, and yet nothing real come out.

They asked, “Will you go back to her if there’s a chance?”

Though i said “No, i don’t think so. If i were to, i’ll remain friends with her for a year or two first..to see how it goes…”

one big fat lie.

I very much wanted you, but i knew that it is never in your mind.

I very much want to remain as a feeling person, having to love and be loved. But as the more i tried to, the more i dread getting those fucking flashbacks, those has-beens and those moments.

I don’t want to go back being mechanical again, unfeeling, unloved and fake.

I don’t want that.

Why am i so poor at handling my feelings, towards you?

Why can’t i find the courage to fucking hate you and be over with it?

Are these tears of mine flowing now, for us or for pitying myself?

Why?

Why can’t i just stop all these and live on?

Why is my heart still beating for you, even so feebly yet so intense?

Why am i still crying??

Why am i feeling so mindfucked now?

and why can’t you kill my heart when i pleaded you to do so???

whywhywhywhy???

Dua Pai Lang