Here’s to repay the lack of updates for the past 1 week or so. Some peek into what had happened, the “Third Party” thing, a date, CNY and Liver-Training Boot Camp and a little bit of everything else. Will try to make it as detailed as possible, but i don’t feel like typing much.

It’s been a total wrecked week.

And i have no mouth but i must scream.

Flashback

28012006

Went to collect the Roast Pig and other roasted poultry in the morning. Wasted 2 and a half hours queueing for the darn thing. Recieved a call from The Certain Someone (TCS. Okay, maybe you all would know who is she by now, but for the oblivious, just take it as TCS ya?) at 11++am. She doesn’t sound right but she said she had made a decision.

I asked her what was it.

She couldn’t bring it out of her mouth.

I answered my question for her. It seems so easy to put on a brave front then, but in a certain way, it rubs me warm into my heart. At least, He has another chance. At least, TCS gave him that chance i wanted so much back then. Way back then.

It wasn’t really my noble idea to barge into someone’s relationship like that. And when all defences are down, for that matter. It’s really not my style. I never ever foresee myself to be a thrid party, having experienced the devastation of it.

Now i had gone through both roles, and understand how is it to be torn shredded apart.

I’m wiser.

And i now really understand how my previous girlfriend should had felt way back then. I was only exacerbating her pain by holding on for so long, not wanting to let go. If i knew, i would had just let her go. But 4 years of relationship, passion, visions of future and the likes, it’s hard.

I’m only glad that she is happy with him. Now i’ve put her down into his hands, i’m moving on.

So my dear Readers, now you know what happened in the end of Paper Rose and thus, i don’t feel the need to carry on writing it. I started the series as a self-therapy to get over my previous, now i’m stopping it. Details inbetween will be kept memories for private indulgence.

Back to TCS.

It’s funny how the sharp pain came a-knocking at the heart’s door. I’ve known TCS for less than two weeks, but it seems i’ve known her like longtime friends. It’s so seemingly impossible, but it happened.

I fell hopelessly into her.

I thought, well, it’s only 2 weeks, no biggie about it. It’s okay.

But the fact was, in that 2 weeks she gave me that much needed courage to love again, brought me out of my little blacked shell i’m trying to withdraw myself into.

I wasn’t falling for her to try and let her fill out the empty void in my heart. I was falling for her because i have that immense feeling within me, telling me, “Go for it! Go for it! You can’t be wrong!!”.

And i haven’t even met her face to face.

It’s a pity for me it didn’t work out the way i wanted.

You see, i was torn too. I very much wanted TCS, but at the same time i feel so wretchedly guilty. I feel for TCS’s him. He reminds me so much of what i was back then. So much pain, so much desperation and so much tears. I had my reserves, i feel so much like backing out and protecting myself and not breaking a man’s soul.

Torn.to.every.last.deserving.bit

It’s much better now though, TCS and me are very good friends now. Don’t you know i’m like her, walking, talking 24/7 Chinese Dictionary/Bark-up-Pole/(insert any other roles here)?

It’s that good. And i’m glad it is. I can only continue giving her the support, love and concern i had given her right from the begining - because she deserves every bit of it. For being so frank and open about everything.

and for you, TCS’ him. If you’re reading this, treat her like a lady every bit she deserves, understand? For all your past mistakes, she is willing to forgive you and accept you as you are. You could see yourself having a great catch here. At this trying times when you two just get back together, insecurity arises at every chance. Put yourself into her trust and let her trust you. It’s gonna be a long road down to get the trust back working altogether as matured beings, don’t try to fuck this chance up, ya?

And remember: I give, i can take back too. =]

29012006 0000hrs

No pain with alcohol, i believe.
Went to Skinny’s place and drank myself too fast, too furious.
Really wrecked his poolside with the few pukepools i added.
Sorry Skinny!

29012006 1500hrs

went visiting collect angpows.
boredphucks.
fell sick with a 39.5 deg fever and a developing cough.

30012006

Still sick.
Went for a dinner and movie, Fearless with TCS.

After dinner, comes tea.

It feels so strange to meet her for the first time. She’s everything i felt and saw, and much more. The initial first hour was somewhat awkward, especially so after the episode on the 28th. But during dinner, i’ve warmed up enough to hold a decent conversation with her. A frank and open conversation, though anything to do with the 28th is still a taboo subject.

We chatted like old friends, though only with a week or so of friendship between us. The frankness was so transparent, i even told her what happened to the Japanese girl i had before my previous. And she’s only like the third person who knows.

It is discombobulating.

After movie, we went for a stroll. She asked if there’s anything if i would like to tell her.

I said no.

So much feelings and words i will want her to know, but does it matter now? I don’t want to change anything now, it’s been a long bumpy ride and i’ve got the bad seat beside hers. I’m tired. Nothing else matters anymore.

I sent her home and walked home myself (we live a few streets apart.). Getting to my hilltop residence, i can only sit on the bench, with a smoke at one hand and let the wind bring my sorrows away from my body.

31012006

Still sick. Stayed home the whole day.

01022006

Still sick. Reported sick for work.

02022006

Still sick.

Book in for Liver-Training BootCamp.

Gayboy’s head.

Played mahjong and some card games. Being a inconsistent player in gambling, i’m not playing to win or anything. But guess what? I won! With the super rare combo, 13 Odds (???)somemore! Then a few Self Drawn Full Tiles (????) and a few small winnings here and there, i earned enough to cover my driving lessons cost the next day. HA! It’s really ?????????!

But due to my fucking persistent fever and cough, i forced myself to stay away from the drinks. Only downing like a BOWL of bourbon coke and develop into high fever straight away.

But my lads had it good. Lots of merry-making and nonsense throughout the night.

Now i know why, people always get surprised when they wake up the next day, when they realised they could.

Alcohol-infused bodies lie.

Caught! The Gay Threesomes!

03022005

still sick.
went for driving lesson.
went back to BootCamp.
Second day was spent BBQing and playing mahjong/cards (think that’s the only things we do there.) Almost made another 13 Odds (???) till Gayboy messed up by Calling-Out-Win-But-Actually-Not (??), so he end up paying other three players so all is not lost. Almost made the Big Three (???), twice. But no chance to call win. Kanasai.

04022005

still sick.
Went home on the first train, got a call from TCS at 0545hrs. Some problem but it’s settled as of typing. So all is well. Prayed to my Dad as it’s his death anniversary. Slept alittle then woke up late for my psycho lecture. Lecture was fun with the Korean lecturer, nice lady she is.

After that, went home to sleep and woke up to celebrate my supervisor ??’s birthday at Arab Street.

Stupid Skinny told me it’s near Raffles Hotel. So the sick me walked from Bugis mrt to City Hall mrt to look for that Raffles Hotel. Only to realise Arab Street should be near Beach Road and promptly walk back to Beach Road and meet up with the Lads.

Had some Middle Eastern Mint tea, which is refreshing and good for my condition.

Mango flavoured is really good!

Somehow, the topic of “What type of girl he prefers” came out. ?? could name like most of the lads’ but fail on saying anything on mine.

I guess, i could help her answer on that now.

I’m not looking for any striking physical attractions nor i needed someone rich on the chest and butt. I feel, i would prefer someone who is engages me intellectually. Someone who respects my space as i do with her. Someone that need not lovey-doveys or consistent attention. I’m looking for a relationship with a matured lady that could stand my nonsensical blabberings, sometime childishness, impromptuness, someone who can satisfy my intecllectual desire to have a good conversation over a coffee or anything. Someone just decent-looking. Someone who could bear me a dozen. =]

Seriously, i’m just looking for someone matured enough to stand on her own when i’m out there fighting for a better future for the both of us. She would be the one that could brandish a sword if necessary, to fight alongside with me. Someone that i could connect to, someone that could give me That Feeling.

Sounds hard, eh?

????????????????????i hate to say this. But i’m taking the slow ride on anything heart matters. I’m tired. I need to slow down and take a breather. I need to concentrate on work and studies.

But of course, i’m not turning gay (Sorry Gayboy! Hate to break your heart…) or completely going out of the chase. I’ll still do my looking-outs and move on. Just taking it slow and putting more priorities onto other matters.

So much heart given out, it’s time to take the back seat and enjoy the breeze.

Dua Pai Lang
?Passacaglia, Secret Garden

“He is more contented to see the stars; an interest that has sparked in him since young. He always visualise the stars as lonely, single but always there for him.”
from Paper Rose - Everything

I love the stars. The sheer mystery of its birth and its life, and the life giving/life taking powers it has.

M45: The Pleiades Star Cluster

Stars aren’t lonely, you see… Do you know 75 percent of all stars in the Universe, have one or more companion stars? We call it binary stars; Stars that revolve their whole lives around each other, perfecting their symmetry and harmony till the end of time.

NGC 1999: South of Orion

Our Sun is a star too (betcha you don’t know that! Ha!), lonely as it may get but it’s warm rays hit us in the most defining way. It gave us Life as we know it.

They are also another kind of star, called Failed Stars, the dwarfs. Entities that never made it to become stars and doomed to travel through the dark void of emptyness till infinity.

That’s the lonely ’star’.

Will be not blogging for the next few days, going for a Liver-Training BootCamp. hehe.

See ya on Sunday!

Dua Pai Lang
?To the Stars, Randy Edelman

Dua Pai Lang